Sex Ed

I have always assumed that every woman has been sexually accosted and/or harassed, in some way or other, at some point in her life. Not a pretty fact, but a disgusting part of life when the world is filled with some men who just think with the wrong head.

I am not talking about headline type incidents. I'm speaking of those smaller private events that happen to throw you off guard in the normal course of going about your daily business. I'm sure every woman has at least one story. Below is a sampling from my own life:

late teens
During a casual, unprovoked, unprovocative conversation, a former college star basketball player intentionally poured a pitcher of beer down the front of my white shirt hoping for a peep show

20's
As I crossed through a crowded room, a male grabbed me in the crouch when I passed him


Someone I had known for years and dated for a few months wanted me to have sex with him. I said no - numerous times. He pinned me to the wall and did it anyway.

30's
When I went into the storage room of my office on a Saturday, the janitor grabbed my breasts with both hands

40's
As we walked down the hill from the Parthenon in Greece, a man grinned at my friend and me and then he furiously masturbated and flung his seed in a 5 foot semi-circle around him

Here's how I handled the situations. You'll have to figure out which reaction fits which occurrence:

I laughed.
I cried.
I walked away.
I told him he'd be fired if he ever did that again.
I grabbed his balls and gave a twist.

I should not have taken matters into my own hands. I should have reported the incidents to authorities.

These types of incidents in my life have been waning in recent years. Is it that these kinds of men are finally getting it because of all the media attention, HR education, and pressure from women's groups? Or is it simply that wrinkles offer some protection?

Addendum: I previously posted about an experience in my 50's: Tattle Tale

Mixed (up) Media

My annoyances with the media reached a new height this week:

1. Network news reporter: "There was less military troops..."

2. Local tv news reporter: "Now...now....now...now...now..." 20 times in 45 seconds

3. Local tv news anchor another station: "Stu-dents (accent on 2nd syllable) are going back to school." The #1 area news anchor still hasn't learned how to speak correctly.

4. Local commercial for monument company: " They are kno-wen for..."

5. Local area newspaper featuring retirement of local official: information wrong in three different paragraphs

Where are these people getting their media college degrees? Someone needs to teach them how to speak correct English and to get their facts straight.

Home Sweet Homes

My latest blog favorite comes from the category of "Why didn't I think of this?".

This blog features actual really bad pictures from internet real estate listings. You have to wonder about the people marketing these homes. When I sold real estate, I was in many properties that looked just like these disasters. That's when a Realtor has to get very creative with language.

Aliens crossing the border

I hope my daughter doesn't mind me sharing this.

She and her husband attended a wedding party in Canada recently. They flew to New York and drove two hours into Ontario for the festivities.

Border crossing (into Canada) conversation:

Canadian Border Guard: Why are you coming to Canada?
SIL & Daughter: To attend a wedding. Well, it's not actually a wedding. It's a reception since they got married somewhere else.
CBG: And where's the wedding?
SIL & Daughter: _____, Ontario
CBG: And what hotel/motel are you staying in there?
SIL & Daughter: Well, we're not actually staying in ____; we're staying in ______, Ontario.
CBG: And just why are you staying there and not in ____ where the reception is?
SIL & Daughter: Well, all the motels were full so that's the closest place we could find a motel room.
CBG: So, do you have anything to declare?
SIL & Daughter: No.
CBG: You mean you don't have a wedding present to declare for this reception you say you're going to?
SIL & Daughter: No, they didn't want presents, just a donation to a charity.
CBG: And just what charity did you donate to for your wedding gift?
SIL & Daughter: An elephant sanctuary in Tennessee.

Despite the true, but implausible answers, the CBG allowed them into the country where they had a fantastic time with their elephant loving friends. There was no problem getting back into the US.

Case closed.

Never underestimate the tenacity of a woman. The lid has been shut on the case of the missing garbage can part.

Losing my lid

Walking down the alley behind my house on my daily trip to visit my mother, I discovered that a lid was missing from one of my metal garbage cans. The wind had blown pretty hard the night before, so I looked around behind the hedge, in the flowers, peeked into the neighboring yards but found no sign of it.

The lids fit tight, but to further prevent any dexterous animal from removing the lid, we always place a heavy brick on top. The brick was found 5 feet away, not in the front seat of a car with a broken window, but on the ground in some weeds. I should be thankful?

So there was my lonely garbage can sitting there naked, empty because the trash had been picked up a couple days earlier, and completely exposed without its top on.

This is a small town and not that many people still have metal garbage cans, so I'm scouring the town to find the culprit and I'm sure it wasn't Rocky Raccoon or Scooby Doo. What the thief doesn't know is there is a very distinguishing mark on the lid, so I'll know for sure it's mine.

If you're the animal responsible for removing my lid, bring that sucker back. The lid and can belong to each other. They've been together for ten years. Yeah, I know it's probably only worth a couple bucks, but if it's that cheap, was it really worth stealing in the first place? It's not the value, it's the principle. As far as I'm concerned you belong in the can, and I'm not talking trash.

Short people got business

Recently the world’s tallest (7 feet 9 inches) man and the world’s shortest (2 feet 4 inches) man met. The tiny fellow crawled on top of a table in order to shake the hand of the tall guy.

I'm short, but I've never had to stand on a table to shake hands with someone tall. I have gotten a crick in my neck from social conversations with tall people at parties. You get to be a pretty good acrobat when you're short: climbing onto the kitchencounter to get something out of the cabinet, hoisting your body weight on the grab bar to get up into the pickup truck, jumping up and down so you can see over the heads and shoulders at sporting events, sitting with your legs tucked under your body as a booster seat at the movie theater.

There are some dangers as a short person. Sometimes your feet dangle in the air when you're sitting in a chair. This is especially difficult if you're sitting on a bar stool and the foot rest is 3-5 inches away from your foot. I have been known to fall out of a bar stool before I've even had one drink. You’re welcome to use that as an excuse, too.

Physical shortcomings make you adapt. For example, I try to avoid crowds as much as possible. It's claustrophobic for a small person trapped in sea of much taller people. Besides, I get rather tired of smelling armpits and rear ends.

I am now officially the shortest person in my extended family. My daughters passed me up a decade ago and the youngest nephew hit that goal at age 12. I quit growing at 13. Now I'm facing the fact that I'll probably be shrinking in the coming years. I'm melting, I'm melting! Yet I’m looking forward to being the little old lady behind the wheel of the car that looks like it is driving itself.

I have discovered a couple good things about being short. First, people think short women are younger than they are. This was a problem when I was 25, but in middle age it gives me great joy. Another thing I discovered was that a whole bunch of really sexy women are/were short - Mae West (4'11"), Elizabeth Taylor (5'2"), Dolly Parton (5'), Susan Lucci (5'2"), Marilyn Monroe (5'4'), and Scarlet Johansson (5'4"). I like to think of myself as halfway between Dolly and Liz with half the wit of Mae.

My husband is always singing "Short People Got No Business" to taunt me, despite knowing that I've managed several businesses simultaneously during the past three decades. I just respond with my favorite saying, "Dynamite comes in small packages." We may just look like little sticks, but boy can we make an impact when our fuses are lit.