Catch Her in the Wry

Faux Real part 2

2012-01-13T15:06:00.000-06:00

In keeping with yesterday's rant on fake, here's a great fake commercial:

It's Faux Real

2012-01-11T15:05:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking recently about how people today are embracing fake as the norm.
We all know people with fake body parts:

Breasts -Nature didn't give that many women 38Ds
Hair - Oh, please. Everyone over 50 has grey hair. Not everyone has long thick hair. Some don't have any.
Teeth - Real teeth don't glow in the dark.

Eyelashes - Even the thickest natural lashes don't project 2 inches from the face

Nails - Real fingernails don't look like claws

Tans - Leather skin is only in fashion in Florida

Eyes - Cat eye contacts belong in cats, not humans

Generally they are found on fake people with fake smiles who are fake friends.

Houses have also become fake. Hardwood floors are now made of plastic. So are fancy stair railings and fences. And Roman/Greek columns are now made of aluminum. Shake and slate shingles are now fiberglass. There's fake brick that needs no mortar. The homes are protected by fake security cameras.

The houses are filled with people watching fake wrestling on television while surrounded by fake plants and fake flowers, fake Christmas trees, fake fireplaces, fake fur, fake diamonds, and fake orgasms.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. — Sharon Stone

Food is also becoming fake. There's fake sugar, fake fat, fake cheese, fake soda pop.

I mean those patented substances chemically flavored and mechanically bulked out to kill the appetite and deceive the gut — is unnatural, almost immoral, a bane to good eating and good cooking. — Julia Child

Let's not forget fake i.d.s, fake designer items, fake tattoos, fake photos, fake checks, fake money.

Even our language is embracing this phenomena:

"It's like kind of a big deal."

"Like it's totally awesome."

Yeah it's not awesome, just like it.

ABC Reporter Bill Weir came up with other excuses for use of the word "like." (I couldn't embed it in this post so you'll need to follow this link.) It's like a news report, but isn't real because it's full of fake punches in the face.

Yes indeed, we can even say that there is fake news reporting...unless you're one of those who think The Onion is real news.

My childhood was spent with real men and women with real bodies. We lived in a real house with real wood floors and real flowers and ate real food. We spoke proper English.

But all that's like history now.

The New Christmas Sweater

2011-12-27T16:00:00.000-06:00

My husband has always liked to wear cardigan sweaters. For a long time that was not something I wanted many people to know. They were generally put into the same category as ugly Christmas sweaters. Now that wearing cardigans is cool I'll let the secret out.

I had been wanting to give him a new cardigan for Christmas for several years, but only this season was I able to find an abundance of choices and finally made a purchase. He was thrilled with the new one and even threw out two old holely ones from his closet.

I thank the hipsters for the cardigan popularity. Adding an old cardigan from the Goodwill store as an accessory to jeans and a t-shirt can make any 20-30 year old someone look edgy. Top it off with a soho hat and thick black rimmed glasses and you've really made a statement. Add a loosely tied tie at the neck for even more awesomeness. Who knew that dressing like old men could become popular?

Now that they've started the trend, you can get new cardigans at the mall instead of worn out ones from the thrift shops.

Someone even has a tumbler photo blog of "Men in Cardigans."

OK, so hubby doesn't look quite as cool as the guys in the photo blog, and he doesn't wear his cardigan over a t-shirt, and if he wears a tie it will be worn properly tight around the neck. So he's not a hipster; he looks more like this:

But, hey, who doesn't love Mr. Rogers?

A New Christmas

2011-12-25T19:04:00.000-06:00

My older daughter remarked Christmas Eve that the dining room table at her grandmother's house had different people in different places this year.

My father-in-law wasn't there (died in April). My niece's fiancee was sitting in the chair that used to hold my brother (died in 2007). My sister-in-law's boyfriend sat at the end of the table where one of the nephews used to sit. He moved to the other side of the table. My mother wasn't sitting near the dining room door at the kitchen table with me (died in April). My spouse had taken her place and younger daughter joined us there. Only a couple people were sitting where they had for 20+ Christmases before.

The traditional menu was the same, the food good and bountiful as usual. Conversations were lively and merry.

It was just different this year. Good, but different.

Music Monday

2011-12-19T05:19:00.001-06:00

A little country to start the week.

Tuesday Titillation

2011-12-13T06:18:00.004-06:00

Dickman's Meat & Deli was in danger of closing due to the cost of complying with government regulations. The owner, however, negotiated with city officials and was able to get the remodeling costs lowered. Tucson residents seem happy that Dickman's Meat will still be selling homemade sausages. The meat shop is known for their good selection of variety meats and their own jerky.

The deli is owned by a woman, but not Lorena Bobbitt.

Music Monday - Ray Charles

2011-12-12T05:00:00.001-06:00

Was it a sin that this down and dirty performance took place in a monastery?

Christmas Quiz Meme

2011-12-11T06:24:00.016-06:00

The Christmas Quiz (shamelessly stolen from Chambanachik who stole it from Jane.)

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?

Both. My homemade egg nog is a decadent treat - cooked custard and whipped egg whites and just the right amount of alcohol - it's almost a milk shake. And it tastes nothing like anything you buy pre-made in a carton. If it's really cold out, a Tom & Jerry is a good substitute. It's essentially a hot egg nog.

Colored lights on tree/house or white?

White. I live in a fun house with a bunch of freaks but I don't want to advertise the fact with carnival-colored lights.

Do you hang mistletoe?

No, but I did when I lived in the South. We'd shoot it out of the trees and bring it into the house for decoration. It was prettier than a dead deer or pheasant hanging from the ceiling.

When do you put your decorations up?
Usually Thanksgiving Day, but some years, like this year, not at all.

What is your favorite holiday dish?
It used to be Swedish ostkaka, a type of cheesecake made from raw milk. A soft, but firm texture, it was served in warm milk with sugar and cinnamon. We can't get raw milk any more, so there is a recipe now using homogenized milk, but it doesn't taste the same as the original.

Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Going to my great-grandmother's big old house in the country on Christmas Eve. She had seven children and they would all be there along with all their children and their children's children. Norwegian egg coffee would be warming on the stove in a granite ware pot as was a large pot of oyster stew. The dining table was over-flowing with other Norwegian specialties including lefse (with butter and sugar) and kringla. All the little cousins had to perform, either speaking their lines from the church Christmas program or performing on the piano, or singing. After that, Santa Claus arrived with a bag full of gifts, one for each of the children in attendance. He always came through the front door; never down the chimney.

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

Don't remember, but probably the same kid who told me that you get a baby by letting someone stick his tongue in your mouth.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
That's when we open ALL our gifts. Christmas morning is for sleeping.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
I start at the top and work my way down.

Snow! Love it or dread it?

Love it as long as it isn't a blizzard and I'm not out in it

Do you remember your favorite gift?

My high top white leather roller skates with wood wheels, with toe stoppers, pompoms and a metal carrying case. Similar to this pair from Etsy:

What is your favorite holiday dessert?

Cranberry trifle when I have time to make it

What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Norwegian and Swedish foods - pickled herring, fruit soup, cheese with caraway, potato sausage, plus the Norwegian ones mentioned above, and more.

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?
When poked into an orange and used like a straw, yum.

Favorite Christmas movie?

The 1951 version of "Scrooge" with Alastair Sim

Saddest Christmas song?
Not a Christmas song, but close -

What is your favorite Christmas song?

Leroy Anderson's Sleigh Ride

Monday Musings

2011-12-05T06:06:00.049-06:00

1. My older daughter and her husband just returned from a vacation in Argentina where she also celebrated her 29th birthday. She was in Australia on her 27th birthday. In keeping with the tradition of spending her birthdays in areas of the southern hemisphere that begin and end with the letter A, perhaps she'll spend her 31st in Angola or Antarctica. Hopefully not. She already got to see penguins in Argentina.

2. Why is it easier to get the two pieces of a 9 1/2 foot pre-lit artificial Christmas tree down into the basement after the holiday season than it is getting it back up the following year? One of these days I might actually have some help carrying the darn thing. In the meantime, I just grab the knot of the sheet wrapped around each 75 pound piece of tree and PULL!!! The hardest thing is getting it upright to decorate it. I might be short, but with some huffing, puffing, and cursing under my breath, I do have the balls to get it done.

3. Speaking of the holidays gone wild, my 21 year old nephew has out-done himself this year and is decorating the exterior of my sister-in-law's home with 100,000 lights. Yep, that's right - 4 times more than Clark Griswold's house in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation movie!

Unlike the Griswold house, my nephew has added wiring and circuit boxes to handle the electric load. Here's a picture of his partially decorated house. There are many, many more lights beyond the range of this picture in the side and back yards that can be seen from the street.

Sometime this week he will have all the lights installed and then set to music so visitors can drive by, tune their radio to a specific station, and listen as they watch a flashing light show of red, green, and white. The small town folk here are anxiously awaiting.

4. I recently became addicted to these:

Small bits of pretzels coated with spicy pepper and large salt grains exploding in my mouth with every crunch...Fortunately they've been on sale and notice the "20% more" sign on the package. How can I resist when the dealers are practically giving it away? (BTW: This is a non-solicited, non-compensated endorsement.) I know the drill; I'll get hooked. Then they'll start making the packaging smaller and increasing the price until I'm broke and on the street begging for money to support my habit.

On the road this week

2011-11-27T15:45:00.000-06:00

1. If you want to turn right from the left lane, it might be a good idea to at least use your turn signal so I can anticipate slamming on my brakes.
2. If you're in front of me, you want to turn left, and you turn your left signal on, please don't pass 11 intersections and travel 4 miles before you finally decide to make the turn.

3. If you suddenly come up behind me from out of nowhere and then ride my bumper for several miles, even though there were plenty of opportunities to pass me, I don't even need to confirm that you are talking on your cell phone.

4. If you have a cup of coffee in one hand and you're applying mascara to your eyelashes with the other hand, I hope you have auto-pilot in your car or a third arm.

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom - Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T06:00:00.003-06:00

"Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt." ~ Roseanne Barr

Tuesday Titillation

2011-11-22T11:20:00.002-06:00

There is always someone complaining about offensive art and because there is no uniform definition of offensive, artists are censored, museums are shut down by city officials, and churches form picket lines.

"Do you have anything non-naked to display?"

A very clever artist found a way to publicly present his nude photo after it had been banned. He used a QRC. QRCs (Quick Response Codes), in case you didn't know, are those black and white pixilated squares that are appearing on real estate signs, print advertising and almost everywhere nowadays. Just aim your smartphone at the QRC and it takes you to the Internet where you can find more information.

In this case, the artist enlarged a QRC and hung it in the gallery. Some people thought it was abstract art, but smart people with smart phones realized it was a QRC and were able to view his photo of a nude women lying in a stream with breast exposed.

Of course, the city powers that be eventually figured things out and are now contemplating imposing new rules for displaying art.

The Madness Meme - Part II

2011-11-20T13:00:00.001-06:00

23. Do you ever walk around the house naked?
From the shower stall to the bath mat.

24. If you were an animal what would you be? Why?
Beaver because I'm always busy with my damn business

25. Hair color you like on someone you’re dating?
Any follicles left should be silver

26. If suffering an injury, would you rather be left blind or deaf?
Deaf - I could still read lips and all the good music would still be in my head.

27. Do you have any special talents?
I can multi-multitask.

28. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Put the leash on the dog and walk right back out.

29. Do you like horror or comedy?
Comedy. There's way too much horror in the world.

30. Are you missing anyone?
I just did a headcount and they're all accounted for.

31. Where do you want to live when you are old?
Someplace with a roof over my head and toilet facilities.

32. Who is the person you can count on the most?
My friend with 11 toes

33. If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Albert Einstein - I'm still having problems wrapping my head around this time and warped space stuff and perhaps spending a few hours with him would make things clearer.

34. What did you dream last night?
That I was being chased by some unknown men. My legs were like dead weight and I had to grasp tall grass around me to keep pulling myself forward to get away.

35. What is your favorite sport to watch?
paint drying

36. Are you named after anyone?
I have the same last name as my father.

37. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Currently it's a Metropolitan martini.

38. Non alcoholic drink?
fountain Coca-Cola with lots of carbonation - It's all about the burn.

39. Have you ever been in love?
Too many times

40. Do you sing in the shower?
I shower myself with show tunes occasionally.

41. Have you ever been arrested?
Miss Goody Two Shoes stays away from trouble when at all possible.

42. What is your favorite holiday?
4th of July - Remember freedom is a very good thing.

43. Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Only if I were disfigured or needed it to eat or breathe

44. Have you ever caught a fish?
Trout from the White River in Arkansas. First and only time I ever went fishing. Once I finally mastered casting, nothing could stop me. I caught more fish than anyone in my group. I enjoyed eating the fish more than catching them. Trout with little butter, a few toasted almonds, a bit of lemon...mmmm!

The Power of Seduction

2011-11-11T21:07:00.000-06:00

After reading the 23 page grand jury report of the Penn State saga, it is easy to understand the inevitable firings. Read it for yourself and if you're not sick to your stomach before you finish reading it, there's something wrong with you.

The Madness Meme

2011-11-06T13:38:00.001-06:00

From Sunday Stealing:
1.Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
I've had my tongue on a lot of nasty things, but never a Compact Disc or Certificate of Deposit.

2. What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?Only 6 years younger and there was still a time reference gap

3. Ever been in a car wreck?A wheel came off a semi truck and came spinning toward my vehicle like a ball of fire. It hit the car hood, then the passenger side of the windshield, and bounced off to the right. No one was hurt. Thank goodness that's the only accident I've experienced.

4. Were you popular in high school?
No, popular people were cheerleaders and sports fanatics. I was, among other things, in the band, Latin Club and editor of the school newspaper so you know what I was...

5. Have you ever been on a blind date?
Yes, for a party in college. He's was drunk and I don't think he even knew I left within the first half hour.

6. Are looks important?
Only if you're giving the evil eye.

7. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?
Every one of them.

8. By what age would you like to be married?
42

9. Does the number of people a person has slept with affect your view of them?
Yes. If their P&L statement is showing a loss, I know they need more customers, need to increase rates, or find cheaper motels.

10. Have you ever made a mistake?
Once in a while I prove to everyone I'm human.

11. Are you a good tipper?
As a former waitress I can tell you we are the best tippers.

12. What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?
$25. Our cost of living is low here, even for a high-end stylist.

13. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
No, they were way too old.

14. Have you ever peed in public?I've been known to urinate in public rest rooms.

15. What song do you want played at your funeral?Sorry, no funeral in my future.

16. Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
It's best not to live a lie.

17. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
I answered this a couple weeks ago: Baked peppered salmon, baked sweet potato, fresh steamed asparagus, and my homemade coconut pound cake with fresh raspberries

18. Beatles or Stones?
That one is too hard to answer.

19. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
Too late. The person is already gone.

20. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Rarely any.

21. Do you have any phobias?
Phobophobia

22. What are your plans for the future?
Live like there's no tomorrow.

Music Monday

2011-10-31T05:03:00.000-05:00

Tuesday Titillation

2011-10-25T09:52:00.001-05:00

"A 28-year-old woman in India came to her doctor with an unusual complaint: a sudden and persistent increase in her sex drive. She felt constantly aroused, often with no stimulation at all."

No this isn't the beginning of a dirty joke.

Most people wouldn't consider hypersexuality a problem, but, in fact, it's a symptom of a deadly disease and the symptom doesn't show up until it's too late.

What awful thing could be behind this seemingly pleasant condition? In this case it was a bite from a puppy two months earlier who had rabies.

So if you're looking for a highly erotic good time, find someone with rabies (or a dog, skunk or bat if that's your thing). But don't expect to be around too long afterward to brag about it

unless, of course, you've had your vaccination.

Music Monday - Tom Jones and Hugh Laurie

2011-10-24T05:52:00.002-05:00

Music starts at 1:50

Questions Galore Meme Part III

2011-10-23T05:05:00.010-05:00

From Sunday Stealing:

41. What is a quote that you love?
I said this before, but it's worth repeating: "A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others."

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created?
If not man, then who? The Devil?

43. When was the last time you wanted to scream?
Sitting at a conference while the speaker read from the power point screen. I learned to read decades ago.

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white?
Quite often when I'm reading a book

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive?
No, just some of the people using them.

46. In your life, where do you think the rainbow will end?
It will just dissolve into thin air.

47. What is something that you never want to do again?
Attend high school.

48.When was the first time you realized the world was small?
When I held the whole world in my hands.

49. How do you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries?
I read science journals.

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people?
Yes. My voice of reason will never cease.

51. Do you care about the environment?
Who doesn't? But I think you're most likely a radical environmentalist asking a loaded question, and I'm not going to get into a debate with you and ruin my Sunday.

52. What's your motto for life?
Non, je ne regrette rien

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world?
Progress IS beauty.

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe?
It's pretty big out there, so the probabilty is we're not alone.

55. Would you like to rule a country?
I'm not interested in being a politician or dictator. If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose?
Yes, a little Byrd(ie) told me so.

57. Is war ever for the best?
Only as a defense of our borders.

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones?
Yes, but I wouldn't enjoy it.

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don't believe global warming is really our fault?
I'd say welcome to my club.

60. Does love conquer all?
Only about 50% of the time. The rest get divorced.

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable?
Only voluntary euthanasia. Involuntary euthanasia might be criminal.

62. Is world peace impossible?
History has proven that it is. There will always be crazy, power-hungry people wanting to rule the world.

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing?
Pride is good; egotism is bad. They are NOT the same.

64.What do you think is the purpose of your life?
to be or not to be

65. Do you believe in karma?
I believe you reap what you sow.

Music Monday with a side of rant

2011-10-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning I'm on my way to the big town. Lawful person that I am, I'm putt-putting along at the posted 55 mph and suddenly they start passing me. Geesh! The first one must be going at least 70, the second 75 or more. Very soon a third overcomes me - this one perhaps only 10 miles over. I encounter similar scofflaws any Sunday morning I'm on that road.

I am not traveling on an Interstate. This is a road with intersections every half mile and often has agriculture equipment traveling on it, especially this time of year.

Now you're probably thinking that these clowns are just trying to get home for some sleep after a wild Saturday night that lasted into early morning.

You could be wrong. But if you said these drivers were church-going people you'd be right.

Yes, these people are in a hurry to get to church. Catholic church. I know this because a whole two minutes later as I pass the Catholic church on the west side of the road, the suit and tie perpetrators are exiting their cars and heading into a building with a sign in front that says "Catholic Church".

It might be that they want to be first in line to confess their Saturday night antics, or perhaps to confess that they were speeding to the church in order to do so.

3 Hail Marys and you're always forgiven in the Catholic Church.

Nope. They got it all wrong. Not a cop to be seen anywhere.

I only hope that as those church-goers drive the fast track to meet their Maker, they don't take other unsuspecting folk with them.

The Questions Galore Meme - part two

2011-10-16T04:09:00.001-05:00

From Sunday Stealing:

21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English?

22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All's fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes?
By SS, do you mean Sunday Stealing, Social Security, Sunday School, Stainless Steel, Schutzstaffel, Steam Ship? How can I answer when you're being so vague?

23. What TV show would you like to be on?
The Office.

24. What was the last video game you played?
Mario Brothers and yes, that was decades ago.

25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell.
In junior high. I was in the chorus. We sang a lemonade song:
Lemonade, for a pretty maid,
Puts a sparkle in your eye like sun on jade.
and I don't remember the rest.
I did have the lead role in several high school plays and produced/directed a musical number for a variety show.

26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s?
How many times must I tell you that I'm not a follower.

27. What’s the last store you bought from?
Home improvement store for furnace filters, light bulbs, water softener salt and shelving.

28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot?
My spouse uses me all the time for cooking, cleaning, laundry, and a whole lot more.

29. What are you doing two days from now?
I am not a clairvoyant, but the probabilities say I'll be at my office working.

30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet?

No, they were under my bed.

31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends?
When you graduate from a small high school, most of the random people are your friends.

32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness?I'm too old to consider adopting ANY child.

33. Does thinking about death scare you?
Not death, just the possibility of suffering beforehand.

34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go?
No, but I do plan to have eternal life on the Internet. Do you know how hard it is to delete something off the Internet?

35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why?
Sympathy note - people keep dying

36. Do you care what people say or think about you?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

37. Have you ever been threatened?
Is a gun jammed against your forehead threatening?

38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from?
I got the best and worst of both sides.

39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank?
I think it was a Tom & Jerry, but it tasted a bit mousy.

40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret?
If I told you it wouldn't be a secret.

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom - The Cruise Ship for the Elderly

2011-10-12T05:00:00.002-05:00

"I'd rather rot on my own floor than be found by a bunch of bingo players in a nursing home.” Florence King

I really don't agree with that statement. I've been spending a great deal of time visiting a nursing home lately. We have three of them in our small community of 4600. There seems to be a never-ending supply of elderly here.

I have often compared nursing homes to cruise ships.

You have a lovely cabin with a view.

You dine with the other passengers in the dining room, or you can choose to dine alone in your room if you prefer.

You can participate in a variety of physical activities.

There are excursions to other destinations for food, entertainment, and festivals,

while at the same time you make many new friends.

The staff is always courteous and ready to assist you

even if you're vomiting or suffering from Montezuma's Revenge.

Each time you pull into port to take a little break from all the fun, a family member is there waiting with a hug. (And shame on those who are not.)

Tuesday Titillation

2011-10-11T05:00:00.006-05:00

Nipples have been in the news. Seems so many women are having trouble keeping the puppies in the den these days, especially when there are cameras around.

Nancy Grace, the over-bearing know-it-all TV legal consultant, had her own moment on Dancing with the Stars a couple weeks ago. Although cameras were rolling, she swears her nipple wasn't on display. It was a pastie or petal that we all thought was a nipple. She's been taking lessons from Bill Clinton: Sex isn't sex if it's oral and an exposed nipple isn't an exposed nipple if there's a bandage over it. Yes, that is the law's definition and that's why it's OK for strippers and beach babies to go topless as long as they have petals.

One fashion designer has brought a whole new problem to the legal system. She designed a dress entirely made of cow and yak nipples. Apparently no pasties are needed since they are animal nipples.

And yes, it sucks.

Music Monday

2011-10-10T14:22:00.000-05:00

A little more Bobby Caldwell left from yesterday.

The Questions Galore Meme

2011-10-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

From Sunday Stealing:

1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without?
No, that would be a complete waste of time to have them in it to begin with

2. Do you get criticized because of your body?
No, I'm just the right height or just the right weight (just not at the same time).

3. Did you kiss the last person you called?
No, but then I called my cat and she gave me a kitty-kiss.

4. When was the last time you danced?
5 minutes ago. Standing or seated, I dance to almost every tv commercial that has music.

5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings?
I'm an Empathic, so yeah.

6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it?
I pinch it off with my fingernails.
7. Who do you want to forget?
I can't think of his name.

8. Who was the last person to send you a letter?
The IRS telling me I can e-file taxes again this year.

9. Who did you last tell to shut up?
Probably one of my brothers about 50 years ago.

10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad?
I smelled smelt. Smelt smelled bad.

11. What’s your favorite cereal?
I may be the only person in the world who doesn't eat cereal.

12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you?
I'm not a follower so I could care less.

13. Could you live without sunlight?
No. I need it for my photosynthesis, otherwise I'll turn yellow and the leaves fall off me. Oh, noooo.....

14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway?
Eat one more chocolate chip cookie.

15. What was the last thing you lied about?
My age. I told someone I was 85 and they said I looked great for my age.

16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week?
No, but there's several things I regret that I didn't do.

17. What was the last movie you bought?
Why buy when you can rent or stream?

18. What is a sport you would like to do?
I would like to play tennis but it's a lost cause with amblyopia.
19. When was the last time you felt like crying?
April 2011. It was a bad month.

20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)?
Kill, no; bitch-slap, yes.

Weird Wednesday - Reuse, Recycle, Repurpose

2011-10-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

Here's where all your old electronics have gone. It almost sounds like church music.

Getting Personal

2011-09-27T16:23:00.027-05:00

Challenge from our area newspaper.

Name, age, town of residence
Diane 61, Paxton

Profession: Explain in one sentence what it is you do.
Hard to answer. I'm a Jill of all Trades and a Master of Some. Currently I own an accounting/tax preparation business, and I'm Executive Director of a non-profit economic development group.

What time do you typically get up? What do you do the first hour of the morning?
Between 5:30 and 6. Walk the dog, watch my spouse eat breakfast, grab a Coke, and visit my dad at the nursing home.

What did you have for lunch today? Where? With whom?
a cup of homemade chili and a piece of cornbread at home with my spouse

Best high school memory.
Graduating. I was anxious to get on to college and bigger and better places, but I've ended up right back where I started.

Tell me about your favorite pair of shoes.
BORN clog wedgies. They're so comfortable and they give the illusion I'm 5'4".

What does a perfect Sunday afternoon include?
Treasure hunting by attending an auction, flea market or estate sale

Was there one book you read as a child that you still cherish? Own? Read?
1950's Nancy Drew mysteries. I still own many.

Where on earth are you dying to go? Why?
San Francisco to see my older daughter who has lived there for six years and I have yet to visit her. Sometimes life's obligations don't allow you to leave, but there's always Skype so I have seen her apartment without physically going there.

Tell me about your favorite pet.
They've all been wonderful, but Dusty, a miniature Schnauzer, has a special place in my heart. About a month after we brought him home from the Humane Society, he got hit by a car, needed surgery, and was convalescing from a broken hip in the kitchen of our home. I slipped and fell down several steps of a staircase in our foyer. As I lay dazed on the floor, Dusty appeared at my side and nuzzled me. Unable to walk and with surgical drains and stitches, he had scooted himself over 35 feet through three rooms just to check on me. He survived 5-6 years after that.

Have you discovered as you matured that you are becoming like one of your parents? Which one and how?
Physically I look most like my dad, but I have my mom's smile. The rest of me had to come from previous generations because, unlike my parents, I am a shy, analytical, less traditional, outside-the box, libertarian character.

What would you order for your last meal?
Baked peppered salmon, baked sweet potato, fresh steamed asparagus, and my homemade coconut pound cake with fresh raspberries

What can you NOT live without?
Oviously air, food and water, but the Internet is high on my list.

Who do you have on your iPod?
I don't own an iPod, but I enjoy every genre of music. My music collection has everything from Frank Sinatra to Jimi Hendrix to Broadway musicals. I do own a Kindle, but you didn't ask what's on it.

What’s the happiest memory of your life?
About 20 years ago when my husband, two daughters and I spent a day at Billie Creek Village. We were having such a good time that I ran a few steps ahead of them, jumped up into the air, and clicked my heels in front of everyone there. They laughed hard because they couldn't believe I'd do something like that in public.

If you could host a dinner party with any three living people in the world, whom would you invite?
libertarian Wendy McElroy, investment advisor Doug Casey, and entertainer Dolly Parton

What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?
From my two favorite quotes:
"A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others."Ayn Rand
and
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." Mae West

What’s your best piece of advice?
Never buy cereal without a coupon and always when it's on sale.

What was your first job, and how much did you make an hour?
Filing at my family's business (all of us siblings started at the bottom) . I don't remember what I got paid but I'm certain it wasn't much

What was a pivotal decision in your career, and how did you arrive at that decision?
Retiring from the family business at age 55. It allowed me to focus on areas of my career that I most enjoyed. I had always planned to put in 30 years there and then follow my own dreams, which I have.

Do you have a bad habit? What is it?
I'm addicted to regular Coca-Cola, but I limit it to 24 ounces a day so I don't overdose.

How do you handle a stressful situation?
I used to play some furious songs on the piano, but since I sold it, I just get in the car and drive around in the country for some quiet reflection. Actually I don't get stressed over too many things.

Sunday Stealing Meme

2011-09-25T13:37:00.000-05:00

A. Age: Old, wise, and experienced
B. Bed size: 2 1/2

C. Chore that you hate: grocery shopping with all those people who move in slow-motion

D. Dogs: Babbi, Pudgie, Hunter, Sid, Dusty, Lola but not all at the same time

E. Essential start to your day: caffeine and sugar at the same time via Coca-Cola

F. Favorite color: Blue

G. Gold or Silver: Might be too late for gold, but silver may still be a good investment

H. Height: Short and sweet

I. Instruments you play: piano and saxophone but not simultaneously

J. Job title: boss lady and janitor

K. Kids: Yes and I joke, too. They don't call me Wry for nothin'.

L. Live: No. I was pre-recorded in a previous life.

M. Mother's name: Surely.

N. Nicknames: ####, *****,!!!!!!

O. Overnight hospital stays: They force you to spend the night after childbirth even if you want to go home.

P. Pet peeve: tardiness

Q. Quote from a movie: "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies." Prissy, Gone With the Wind

R. Right or left handed: right except when I'm playing billiards

S. Siblings: One down and one left

T. Time you wake up: Dawn.

U. Underwear: Is that a yes or no question?

V. Vegetable you hate: I have yet to meet one I didn't like

W. What makes you run late: Nothing. You know old people are ALWAYS early.

X. X-Rays you've had: on my feet for fun at the shoe store

Y. Yummy food that you make: It's all good that's why I'm known as Yummy Mummy.

Z. Zoo animal: Cougar

Tuesday Tirade

2011-09-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many times in the past few hours I've heard the replay of our President trying to sell his deficit reform bill by saying "Middle-class families shouldn't pay higher taxes than millionaires and billionaires," From my 30+ years experience in dealing with tax issues, wealthy clients pay substantially more in taxes than the middle class. I know for certain that many "wealthy" people would be very happy to pay the same taxes as most middle-class families

There are many households with incomes under $50,000 who pay no taxes and even receive bonus refunds (refunds in excess of any taxes they paid). Why is it "fair" that they pay no taxes? It is only "unfair" in the minds of some politicians when "wealthy" people don't. And who defines "fair share" and "wealthy"?

Finally, a report exposing the lies of the President's speech shows up as a top story on a major Internet site today. You can read the article here. The government's own statistics indicate the President doesn't have a clue about tax issues.

Music Monday

2011-09-19T05:57:00.001-05:00

A little present from my daughter:

Tuesday Titillation

2011-09-13T05:11:00.006-05:00

Someone with brass balls got violated. News editor was on vacation when story broke.

Music Monday

2011-09-12T05:44:00.003-05:00

Sunday Stealing Meme

2011-09-11T15:00:00.003-05:00

From Sunday Stealing:

1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
High-five is so passe. I bump fists.

2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
No, because if they start drafting women over 60, we're all dead for sure.

3) Do you sleep with the TV on?
Nope. It's too heavy.

4) Have you ever drunk milk straight out of the carton?
Only if it's an individual size carton, but I prefer drinking from a glass.

5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?
No, but I won a mathematical bee once and he taught me everything I know about finance.

6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
I'm too smart for any sting operation.

7) How fast can you type?
Sometimes the computer can't keep up. Those piano lessons paid off.

8) Are you afraid of the dark?
No, dark chocolate is my favorite.

9) Eye color: old blue eyes

10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
Best date I ever had...

11) When was the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
See #8. When there's dark chocolate in the tub. Otherwise, it's showers only 'cause I really like quickies.

12) Do you knock on wood?
Only when I want to see if someone is home.

13) Do you floss daily?
Depends on what it is I'm flossing

15) Can you hula hoop?
Yes, I have big, swingin' hips.

16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
My clients hope I am.

17) What do you want for Christmas?
Ham

18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
The one who lives on Drury Lane?

19) Do you talk in your sleep?
OMG - I hope not.

20) Who wrote the book of love?
Upton Sinclair among others

Music Monday - Back to School today

2011-08-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom

2011-08-03T06:00:00.004-05:00

Click on comic for larger view.

Tuesday Titillation

2011-08-02T06:00:00.010-05:00

The Triple Boost Bra is the latest ladies' undergarment to hit the British market. It claims to boost any woman's bust size by three cup sizes. All the renewed interest in bigger bust lines and hour glass figures is being blamed on Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks.

The pictures in the article (see link above) show a pretty dramatic difference in the model and it actually looks "natural." However, the model warns:

"If you go on a date with someone and they really like your boobs, they’re going to get a bit of a disappointment. I think I’d rather they knew the truth in the first place. Don’t advertise in the window what you don’t stock in the shop, as they say."

Just one more disappointment after she takes off her make-up, contact lenses, her dentures, her hair extensions, and her Spanx.

Music Monday

2011-08-01T05:55:00.003-05:00

From my "dream cast" movie yesterday, here's the funeral song:

The Fifteen Movie Questions Meme

2011-07-31T14:15:00.000-05:00

I'm a movie lover, and I'm currently in process of watching each movie listed in 151 Best Movies You've Never Seen (LeonardMaltin), so this meme is quite apropos. It was actually quite hard because I could think of numerous answers for each question. From Sunday Stealing:

1. Movie you love with a passion.
The Wizard of Oz

2. Movie you vow to never watch.
Forrest Gump

3. Movie that literally left you speechless.
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

4. Movie you always recommend.
Too many, but I am partial to movies with themes of how adult behavior affects children, such as: Rabbit Proof Fence, Children of Heaven, Whale Rider, Stand by Me, The Kite Runner, Winter's Bone

Here are some lesser known interesting movies: Lars and the Real Girl, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, The Tunnel, The Man from Earth, Black Book, Man on Wire

If you like animation: Mary and Max, Persepolis

5. Actor/actress you always watch, no matter how crappy the movie.
Robert DeNiro and William H Macey/Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren

6. Actor/actress you don’t get the appeal for.
Nicholas Cage and Jim Carrey /Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts

7. Actor/actress, living or dead, you’d love to meet.
Clint Eastwood

8. Sexiest actor/actress you’ve seen. (Picture required!)

Salma Hayek

Roger Moore, the second James Bond

9. Dream cast.

The Big Chill came very close: Tom Berenger, Glenn Close, Jeff Goldblum, William Hurt, Kevin Kline, Mary Kay Place, Meg Tilly, JoBeth Williams, Don Galloway

10. Favorite actor pairing.
Richard Burton/Elizabeth Taylor

11. Favorite movie setting.
Castle/English countryside

12. Favorite decade for movies.
Call me old-fashioned, but my favorite is the 1930's, specifically 1939. In that year, the following big movies were all nominated for Academy Awards for Best picture: Gone With the Wind; The Wizard of Oz; Stagecoach; Goodbye, Mr. Chips; Of Mice and Men; Mr. Smith Goes to Washington; Ninotchka; Dark Victory; Wuthering Heights; and Love Affair. Gone With the Wind won, but the competition was tough that year.

That decade also produced films of W.C. Fields, Mae West, the Our Gang kids, and the Marx Brothers.

13. Chick flick or action movie?
Action. Don't get me started on chick flicks; I get all riled.

14. Hero, villain or anti-hero?
Anti-hero - is generally a more complex character than the others, which makes for a much more interesting movie

15. Black and white or color?
Both - depends on the movie, but I absolutely hate the colorization of old black and white films. The best thing is The Wizard of Oz was both.

Music Monday

2011-07-18T15:29:00.000-05:00

75 years ago today, Oscar Mayer rolled out the first Weinermobile.

To celebrate, here's an ear-worm for you:

Friday Frenzy

2011-07-15T10:33:00.001-05:00

Carmagedden

OK, I don't live in LA, but I have been there and yes, the traffic is horrible. But do you really need to go out and stock up on food when the major highway(I-405) is only closed for two days - on a weekend?

This type of panic in the city reminds me when a major water main burst in Boston a while ago, and a blogger called the few days of annoyance as "a taste of the apocalypse". People were fighting over bottled water. They HAD running tap water, which they simply needed to boil before drinking. And they HAD toilets that flushed. And they HAD electricity to run their electronics.

These are times we country folk can turn the tables on the city folk and call THEM bumpkins. We live with these inconveniences all the time. They have no idea how to deal with a REAL disaster.

Casey Anthony

Thanks to non-stop media coverage of the Casey Anthony trial, the public was worked up into a frenzy to kill the jurors for returning the "wrong" verdict.

Having been ~~imprisoned~~ sequestered for over two months, those jurors had plenty of time to mull over and examine what was presented in the court room and make informed decisions without influence from the media circus going on outside their quarters.

Thank goodness we have a legal system that allows "beyond reasonable doubt." Would the madding crowd prefer legals systems found in other countries, such as Italy, where strong evidence of reasonable doubt is ignored?

And why, exactly, was the media so hyped-up over this specific case? There have numerous cases of mothers on trial for killing their children, but none with the publicity of this kind. Was it simply because in Florida cameras are allowed in the courtroom?

Corporate sponsors are everywhere these days - ball parks, schools, stadiums. So I've been wondering why Kentucky hasn't approached KY for corporate sponsorship of their tourism bureau.

"Two minutes of intense, bestial aerobics with no chafing."

"Ease in to Big Bone Lick State Park"

"Lubricated hot rides at the National Corvette Museum."

What's your KY tourism slogan?

Liar, liar!

2011-07-05T15:24:00.003-05:00

Yes, I did say that I would be back blogging regularly. I guess that does make me a liar because it has been two weeks since I last posted. Life keeps getting in the way and and requires me to adjust my schedule.

There are many more important events that can arise and re-prioritizing things becomes a necessity.

So, I won't make any more promises because I don't want to get the reputation of being a liar. Let's just say, if I disappear for a day or week, there's good reason for my absence.

Tuesday Titillation (and WoeWee)

2011-06-21T06:00:00.013-05:00

A fellow in Ohio likes to play around. He can't decide if he likes the German Shepherd, the horse, or the blow up sheep.

The kicker is apparently there is no law against bestiality in Ohio, so it must be determined if his dog was harmed in order to even charge him with animal cruelty. The dog isn't talking.

********************************

Even if you're not a golf fan, you've probably heard about Rory McIlroy, the 22 year old Irishman who won the US Open Sunday.

It's a good thing that Barbara Walters isn't a sports announcer or we'd be hearing a lot about WoeWee Mcawoy:

Monday Mourning

2011-06-20T15:00:00.003-05:00

Questions have been asked why I haven't written a tribute to my mom like I did for my father-in-law after his death. The truth of the matter is I am keeping a promise. When I started this blog over four years ago, I wrote about my brother and his struggle with deadly pancreatic cancer. I didn't sugar-coat my posts, because I have never viewed life with rose-colored glasses. My extended family wasn't happy that I wrote of family matters, and politely requested that I not ever write about my brother or any of them. I promised them I never would, and to prove my conviction, I deleted all the posts from those early blog days, and have pretty much limited my posts to generalities when writing about parents and siblings.

Often over the past few years, my mother would bring up a subject or a memory and then about a week later ask me if I wrote about it in my blog. (She didn't have a computer and never actually saw this blog.) My answer was always no - that I made a promise and I keep my promises. I was never certain if she actually truly wanted me to write about those things, or if she was testing me and waiting to chastise me in case I ignored her wishes. I'll never know the answer to that.

One of my blogger friends told me her family and friends LOVE to have her write about them in her blog. She even has a blog, lovingly filled with humor and sadness, entirely dedicated to her mother who suffers from Alzheimer's. I'm envious. People's lives are best honored in written word and shared, even with strangers. Lessons can be learned, experiences empathized. Oral histories are unreliable and, as generations die, the stories will fade away, like old photographs.

So don't look for extended posts filled with anecdotes of humorous times or exasperating moments with Mom. Her memories will forever be held in the souls of those who loved her and not shared with the public. All I will say is that she was, in the words of those who knew her, " a beautiful woman inside and out," "a very, very nice lady," and "an asset to the local community." So I guess in some ways this is a tribute after all.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T06:00:00.003-05:00

Last living parent, but still lookin' good at 90.5

(FYI: I plan to be back blogging more regularly now.)

Another family member gone

2011-04-26T13:50:00.000-05:00

My father-in-law died Sunday evening. That makes two parental deaths in seventeen days. He donated his body to science. I am not sure what science can do with a 99 year old body, but perhaps someone will learn something from it.

Here's an article (edited for this post) I wrote four years ago for a local paper about him:

Just after 7:30 weekday mornings, a small, elderly, slightly hunched figure crosses the Patton Street bridge, his pace much quicker than most people half his age. Mr. Moore is making the daily trip to his office, walking seven blocks from his home and later back again. He still has a license to drive his car, but he just prefers walking.

Although he finally retired in December, 2006 (after his 95th birthday) from his long career as a civil engineer, he still goes to his office located at his son’s land surveying business, and helps with outside field work, holding poles or finding stakes.

“Dad can out-walk most of our clients who accompany us while doing field work,” said his son. “They’re always amazed when I tell them how old he is.”

The elder Mr. Moore grew up on a farm near Rushville, IL, where he and his sister attended a one-room schoolhouse. They would ride to school together on the family horse, then slap him on the rear, which would send him back home again. He later attended the University of Illinois where he obtained a civil engineering degree, but it was the middle of the depression when he graduated and any job was hard to find.

He headed to Chicago, where he sold hats. He also pulled rickshaws and sold ice cream at the World’s Fair. There was no job beneath him; he felt any work was better than nothing. He eventually obtained an engineering position in Texas, later moved to Decatur, and to here in 1959, where he opened his own engineering business and was city engineer.

Then in 1962, an accident happened that would have changed most people’s lives. While he was supervising a construction project, a cable line broke that had suspended a construction bucket from a crane. The large metal bucket fell onto Mr. Moore’s head. This was before hardhats were required on jobs.

“I remember going to bed that night and wondering if I would still have a Dad the next morning,” his son reflected. He was 12 years old at the time. “They gave Dad a 50/50 chance of surviving the night.”

The doctors removed over 200 bone chips in Mr. Moore's head, which left a huge dent in his forehead that is still very visible. He had numerous injuries requiring blood transfusions. When he tried to get out of bed several days later, they discovered he also had a broken leg. After only a three week hospital stay, Mr. Moore said he had a business to run and that he was leaving. He did so, despite doctors’ orders. That was the last time he spent a night in a hospital.

Besides the noticeable dent in his forehead, he lost his sense of smell, and therefore cannot taste anything. He is able to discern salty, sweet, and sour, but not individual flavors. He also lost 3 inches in height. All were just minor inconveniences of which he rarely speaks and never complains.

Now 45 years after the accident, Mr. Moore remains healthy and active. He mows his own lawn with a push mower. Until two years ago, he would climb the tree in front of his home to clean gutters, until his son finally put a stop to that. He takes no medications, completes a crossword puzzle or cryptogram every day, reads 2-3 history related books per week, enjoys watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, and eats like a farm-hand.

Music Monday

2011-04-25T05:06:00.002-05:00

Thinking of my Mom who played Mills Brothers and Ink Spots LP's on the family stereo when I was a child:

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

2011-04-23T05:35:00.010-05:00

Instead of participating, I'll just let the old guy do his own talking in this poem which is one of my favorites:

Sonnet #97

How like a winter hath my absence been
From Thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt; what dark days seen,
What old December's bareness everywhere!

And yet this time removed was summer's time:
The teeming autumn big with rich increase,
Bearing the wanton burden of the prime
Like widow'd wombs after their lords' decease;

Yet this abundant issue seem'd to me
But hope of orphans, and unfather'd fruit;
For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,
And, thou away, the very birds are mute;

Or if they sing, 'tis with so dull a cheer,
That leaves look pale, dreading the winter's near.

In case you don't understand the language of poetry -translation per Wikipedia:

My separation from you has seemed like winter, since you give pleasure to the year. Winter has seemed to be everywhere, even though in reality our separation occurred during summer and fall, when the earth produces plant life like a widow giving birth after the death of her husband. Yet I saw these fruits of nature as hopeless orphans, since it could not be summer unless you were here; since you were away, even the birds did not sing, or rather sang so plaintively that they made the very leaves look pale, thinking of winter.

It just doesn't sound as good as the original, does it?

Business hurdles

2011-04-22T16:58:00.001-05:00

Go see Atlas Shrugged. Until you do, here's a quick little video about government and business:

Storm clouds

2011-04-18T05:25:00.016-05:00

Most people get jubilant when April arrives. Even in the gloom of rainy days, they look forward to the budding flowers and warmer temperatures.

For me, I am beginning to dread Aprils. Last year, just before the end of tax season, my office computer died. I was scrambling to get a new one up and running before I lost too many precious work hours. This occurred about three weeks after my parents and my father-in-law were all in the hospital at nearly the same time. Fortunately, the elderly folk recovered, and I had the new computer working and all files restored within 24 hours. Deadlines were met and clients were happy.

This year, I was whizzing away, feeling very confident that things were very much under control, and I was even thinking it might be a much less stressful end of tax season. Until April 7th arrived - when I must have angered Thor with my confidence, and he struck me with a jolt.

I arrived at my parents' home at 6:30 am that morning, as I do daily, to fix their breakfast and help my mom with her compression stockings. I walked into the kitchen and found my mother lying on her back on the floor, eyes glazed and lifeless, and her breathing gurgling and shallow. I knew she wouldn't make it. Quickly, unexpectedly, with no pain - just as she wanted. Brain dead. 32 hours later she was gone, never awakening from the massive stroke that struck her down.

When they removed the breathing tubes that first morning, I was told it wouldn't be long before she passed, but she didn't follow any of the "normal" routine. They didn't know the women in my family. We're determined and tenacious and obstinate. No one tells us what to do and when, even when oblivious to our surroundings.

After 12 hours of sitting alone with her in the hospital room, she never deteriorated further. My brother brought my father there for a brief, touching moment, and then we all went home to try to sleep.

I was back before noon the next day while my brother stayed at home with Dad, and only then did things change. At 2 pm she finally quit fighting. "Good-bye, Mom. Have a great trip," I said. Two days later we buried her.

And then last week, my father-in-law went into hospice care...

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom - March Madness

2011-03-09T05:24:00.001-06:00

"The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play "Drop the Handkerchief." ~ James Naismith

Ah, Drop the Handkerchief - an antiquated childhood game that disappeared when hankies went out of style because girls quit crying when they were finally allowed to play on the basketball court, not just lead cheers.

There's a central Illinois college student promoting himself for the NCAA Dunk Contest. Rather impressive dunking. Here's his YouTube video:

Tuesday Titillation

2011-03-08T05:45:00.003-06:00

When giving financial advice, I recommend keeping receipts and always using coupons. Even when in jail, an inmate took that advice, but apparently there isn't enough storage space in a jail cell.

The man was hiding a general store in his rectum, including a drug store receipt, a coupon, matches, cigarette, pills, a SYRINGE WITH NEEDLE (ouch), lip balm and more. All were contained in a condom to keep them fresh and sanitized.

I bet he has a reputation for being a big A**hole.

You can find other uses for a condom here.

Music Monday

2011-03-07T05:16:00.009-06:00

Schools are promoting self-esteem these days. You've seen all the awards every kid gets nowadays; every one is a winner. Here's how one school is instilling confidence, complete with air guitar and background dancers:

But are the schools teaching that too much confidence and self-esteem can be bad? Icarus got too cocky and flew too close to the sun which resulted in his plunge to death. Don't fly too high or too low were the wise words of his father.

Here's the original version:

Vlog - Accents and Regional dialects

2011-03-06T05:57:00.010-06:00

Stolen from Memphis Steve, this is an interesting experiment featuring the different voices and dialects of other bloggers. Since I'm camera shy, you'll have to look at a bowl of peaches and blackberries while the audio plays. This provides proof that we have NO accents here in the Midwest USA.

Here's the text so you can participate in the experiment too:

Say these words:

Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Now answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?

What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?

What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?

What do you call gym shoes?

What do you say to address a group of people?

What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?

What do you call your grandparents?

What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?

What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?

What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Thursday Thoughts

2011-03-03T05:22:00.048-06:00

While I've been hunkered down and slaving away night and day at my office preparing tax returns, there's been exciting things happening in my small town. We made the big time. It's all here on the Huffington Post.

The owner of the bed and breakfast, located just outside of town in one of the few local wooded areas, has blatantly refused to allow a civil union ceremony to take place there as requested by a gay couple. The business actively markets its locale for wedding ceremonies, private parties, etc.

The B&B owners are very religious and are members of an area Apostolic church which frowns on gay lifestyle, and Mr. Owner sent some very strong emails to the couple about his beliefs and quoted Bible passages.

" We will never host same-sex weddings even if they become legal in Illinois. We believe homosexuality is wrong and unnatural based on what the Bible says about it. It's not too late to change your behavior..."

The couple is now suing for discrimination.

The local newspaper and residents' Facebook pages have been filled with comments, mostly in support of the gay couple. There are some who think a business should be able to pick and choose the people they want as customers because this is a free country, right?

Well, not so fast, folks. This isn't a free country. Government says you business people can't discriminate based on race, creed, color, religion, and sex. You can discriminate for other things like credit-worthiness, dress codes, or smoking, but just not those things named in the Human Rights Act.

One interesting thing I noticed was that one of the most vocal commenters of the "it's a free country and he (Mr. Owner) can do anything he wants" is a former City Council member, who seemed to have no trouble at all telling business owners, developers, and residents what to do when he held that position of power. I hope he has indeed had a laissez-faire epiphany since his government days.

We don't live in a truly free-market society here in the USA, but thankfully there is enough freedom remaining that I suspect the capitalist marketplace will ultimately dictate whether or not Mr. Owner's now very public personal beliefs will allow his B&B to succeed in the future.

And that is exactly why we don't need government regulation. When outraged customers within a marketplace don't particularly like certain business practices, they will find alternative places to spend their money and those scorned businesses will eventually close.

Music Monday

2011-02-21T07:14:00.005-06:00

February 21, 1958 - The Peace Symbol was designed.

The Very Late Meme

2011-02-20T20:02:00.000-06:00

Courtesy of Sunday Stealing:

1. Make a list of 5 things that you can see without getting up:
monitor, dog, cat, book, Kleenex, Coke
2. How do you style your hair?
Blow and go

3. What are you wearing now?
dang reading glasses

4. What's your occupation?
This time of year it's tax-preparer 24/7

5. What do you hear right now?
The dog licking and I won't tell you what she's licking

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
A client; her husband has major health issues and she's struggling to cope
7. What is/was for dinner?
Chinese take-out, all alone.
8. What did you do today?
fixed breakfast for my parents, washed 5 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, took out the trash, walked the dog several times, ran some errands, browsed the Internet, went to my office where I worked on clients' tax returns, did some light cleaning, and hung some curtains. Sunday is only a day of rest for the religious.
9. Dog person or cat person?
In the last few years, both.

10. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
Beau Peep
11. What was the last thing that you bought?
a lamp shade which looks better on the lamp than it did on my head
12. If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
San Francisco to see my daughter. It's not the money to get there that's the problem; it's the time away I can't afford.

13. Where do you see yourself in five years?
In the mirror with even more grey hair

14. Where's your birthmark?
in my pants where you can't see it

15. What are you doing this weekend?
Was there a weekend? See #8. Saturday I worked at the office until 2:00, got dinner for my parents and watched a movie (see #17).
16. Which book are you reading at the moment?
The Art of Table Dancing - A birthday gift from last month

17. The last movie you've seen?

Mary and Max - a great animated film based on a true story of a pen-pal relationship between a young Australian girl and a middle-aged man with Asperger's syndrome from New York. The art work and claymation are wonderful and so are the voices of Toni Collette and Philip Seymour-Hoffman.

18. What are you doing tomorrow?
About 12 tax returns

Thursday Thoughts

2011-02-17T05:45:00.015-06:00

1. I've been so busy preparing income taxes, I forgot a holiday since I last posted.

2. Death has been unexpectedly hitting middle-age men in our locale: two suicides, heart attacks, strokes. And f***ing cancer (as Sandwhich Life would say) took a lovely local young wife & mother in her 30's, and another who was a hometown celebrity of sorts (1975 Playboy Centerfold). March winds, please blow the black clouds away; our community has had enough sadness this month.

"Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham

3. In case you weren't aware of it, Atlas Shrugged is finally being made into a movie - a trilogy actually. Part I opens April 15, 2011. Here's the trailer:

Music Monday

2011-02-07T05:42:00.007-06:00

When the wicked witch (or the tyrant or the despot) dies, not everyone sings and dances as lightheartedly as the Munchkins did with the demise of their trouble-maker. Within the resounding ding-dong happiness, there are always those of the inner circle who mourn.

Those who weep for the tyrant are often three types: 1. Persons who knew, and eagerly and voluntarily supported the evil actions; 2. Persons who knew the evil but chose not to openly oppose it; and 3. Persons who were ignorant to the reality.

Witches are sneaky with their devilishness. They make light of their own behavior to divert their evilness to prankster or joker status. They hide aggression under the guise of pluckiness and tenacity. They masquerade as philanthropists who use largess and the bribe of giving to wield control of their "Favor Bank" accounts.

There will always be mourners for the evil. The Munchkins should sing and dance while they can because other witches have mastered the disguise techniques and are ready, willing and able to fill the void. The question is whether the Munchkins are smart enough to see through the foolery the next time around.

Thursday Thoughts - Part 2 - Because you asked for pictures

2011-02-03T08:18:00.000-06:00

Their side of the snow pile:

My side of the pile after I drove over it several times with a 4 wheel drive:

Thursday Thoughts - 's no problem? Ha!

2011-02-03T05:34:00.012-06:00

I do all snow shoveling by hand at my office because the sidewalk area is small and does not warrant the use of a snow-blower. The bank next to my office has a large drive-through, and they pile their snow on my property instead of the available space on their own property on the other side of the drive.

I have asked them politely over the past few years if they would please not do that, but my requests are continuously ignored. Because they do this, I must shovel through 3-5 feet of piled snow in order to clear a public sidewalk. Some days it takes as long to shovel through their pile as it does to do my entire sidewalk.

The pile also extends into the street which causes an obstacle for city plows, and therefore the area for my customer parking on the street never gets cleared properly. (The bank has its own parking lot and is situated on a corner with two sides of additional street parking.)

The residents across the street from my office plow the snow from their driveway, and instead of pushing it off to the sides of their driveway, they push it out into the street and continue pushing it across the entire width so that all their snow ends in front of my office and their side is clear. Because of the other neighbor's pile of snow, it exacerbates the problem with the city plows.

I think heavy snowfall brings out the best and the worst in people. Unfortunately it seems the worst are in my neighborhood and simple common courtesy has disappeared.

**********************************************************

Angry snow men mobs have now taken to the streets.

(Or else the marshmallow snowman production at the Peeps factory has gone into over-drive.)

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom

2011-02-02T05:52:00.018-06:00

Celebrating 125th anniversary of ground hog predictions!

"This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat."
Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day.

(Official ground hog idol)

"This is one time where televison REALLY fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather. I for one am very grateful to have been here." Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day.

Around here, we call them Woodchucks.

Tuesday Titillation

2011-02-01T05:55:00.001-06:00

Some men like having sex with show girls and some apparently like having sex with show hogs.

"...the hogs were examined by a local veterinarian, during a routine examination, and the owner was told that four of the hogs had a vaginal infection."

A fellow in Mississippi got caught after a farmer suspected a fox in the hog house and police set up surveillance cameras.

Who knew that getting down and dirty with hogs could land a 120 year prison sentence?

Music Monday

2011-01-31T05:20:00.001-06:00

50 years ago today, a HAM was sent into outer space.

What differentiates Ham's mission from all the other primate flights to this point is that he was not merely a passenger, and the results from his test flight led directly to the mission Alan Shepard would make on May 5, 1961 aboard Freedom 7.

ACE Meme - Part II

2011-01-29T15:30:00.008-06:00

From Sunday Stealing:

HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF YOUR HOME COUNTRY?
I've been out of the country and out in the country.

WEAKNESSES?

None. I'm superwoman with super powers.

FIRST JOB?

Filing at the family business

EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?

Never

DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?

More than one, but one at a time please. Sole mates cause fewer problems than multiple mates.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU DID STEALING?

Steal? I don't steal. "Never ask for what ought to be offered." Winter's Bone

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?

I had a mole removed. Does that count?

WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?

Smile and hair

HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?

If you saw my overbite, you'd know the answer.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

Piece of chocolate cake (which I did get this week)

HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND WHAT DO YOU WANT THEIR NAMES TO BE? (OR IF YOU HAVE KIDS, TELL US ABOUT THEM.)

I have two daughters and to make things simple, to name the second one, I just rearranged the letters of the first one.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Well, there were many of us in the hospital named "Baby Girl."

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE SEX(ES) YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO?

I refuse to publicly disclose the type of sex that turns me off.

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?

Nothing

WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?

Pantene

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Who hand writes anything these days?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

ham as long as it isn't iridescent.

ANY BAD HABITS?

Many, but none that are annoying.

ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?

No, I'm happy you have what you have (unless you stole it).

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Sure, I'm easy maintenance and a good listener.

DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?

If they are adults and they are happy with that arrangement, it's fine with me.

DO LOOKS MATTER?

Only if they're dirty looks.

HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?

Pound out a fast and furious song on the piano.

WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS?

Gain. When you lose a great deal of weight, people think you're deathly ill. Besides, it's much more fun eating fattening things than dieting.

WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?

To live another day.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?

erector set

HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?

An infinite number since it also has a calculator.

WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?

Barney Fife, yes.

DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Wry is not sarcasm

MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?

depends on how they're made, but, please, neither from a box

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A LOVER?

Equipment

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?

Shermy, Catchy, Mom

FAVORITE SUPER POWER?

telepathy

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom

2011-01-26T06:15:00.002-06:00

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."

Paul Newman, born 1/26/1925
(For some reason I'm stuck in 1925 this week.)

Tuesday Titillation

2011-01-25T06:30:00.003-06:00

A dentist numbs patients with dirndls and cleavage.

"The sight of cleavages gets patients narcotised and distracted from the pain rather quickly. Some patients’ mouths are already wide open on entering the practice.’

The change has been such a hit that she's turned the entire office into an "Alpine Lodge." No mention if she serves patients beer in steins to rinse their mouths.

1925 Redux

2011-01-24T11:40:00.000-06:00

The 1925 version of "Five Foot Two Eyes of Blue" that I posted yesterday, reminded me of a photo I have of my grandparents who were married that same year. Here is the favorite photo that includes their automobile properly decorated for the era:

ACE Meme - Part I

2011-01-22T23:00:00.002-06:00

From Sunday Stealing:

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?

From way back in college days -burn on a finger from playing "fondue" with a plastic straw in a candle holder with an open flame; hot dripping plastic can seriously melt some skin.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM

paint

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?

There are rumors that I snore, but no one has yet proved it to me.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

You name it, I probably like it.

5. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?

In furniture terms, my time is mid-century modern.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?

To have a blizzard-free birthday, but perhaps not a Blizzard-free birthday.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?

Daughter #1

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?

grandmother's locket

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

five foot two, eyes of blue (singing begins around 1:00)

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

only when the lid is shut

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?

Nope, that's when I start roaming around the neighborhood

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?

Must be long ago because I can't remember.

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?

that federal and state spending won't be slashed substantially in all areas

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON PEOPLE YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO?

If I'm attracted to them, it doesn't matter that they even have hair or eyes.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?

I can proposition anyone anywhere.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?

Neither. See #11

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?

Anything but ham, pineapple, and anchovies, otherwise I've never met a pizza I didn't like.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

coconut cream pie

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?

Blue

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?

No - too many bones and not enough meat

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?

repeat: grandmother's locket

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?

Once in a while

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?

No. I prefer the natural order of body parts.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?

whatever is on sale 75% off

25. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?

A witty rule breaker: Mae West

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?

yes

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?

felines, canine

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?

Yes, and he leaves me every day.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED?

"a number from one to a hundred"

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?

Grey is best.

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?

The two at the top of this blog and this one:

" A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others." - Ayn Rand

33. FAVORITE PLACE?

Random political rants

2011-01-12T16:16:00.001-06:00

1. A mentally disturbed person goes berserk at a political gathering and kills and injures people. These things do not happen because of rhetoric, political or otherwise. If that were the case, these types of incidents would happen more often. Discussions, disputes, and anger have been present in politics since this country was founded. If venomous rhetoric was the cause, there would been many more politicians being treated for bullet wounds.

2. Stopping demonstrations at or near funerals would be another step in denying free speech in this county. It may be disrespectful, despicable, and somewhat malicious, but it is a Constitutional right. If we aren't careful in defending free speech, we'll soon see censorship appearing elsewhere, such as classic novels. Oops.

3. Illinois lawmakers passed a 66% increase in the state income tax rate. It's a "temporary increase." I remember when the 2.5% rate was only tempory, then made permanent because "it really isn't an increase in taxes; just maintaining what we have now." The same thing was said when the rate rose to 3% and then made permanent. With the corporate tax rate also increasing, just say bye-bye to businesses in Illinois. Neighboring states are much more business-friendly. Perhaps lawmakers should be considering making substantial cuts in padded State expenditures instead of trying to milk the taxpayers dry.

Some argue that Illinois' income tax rate is low compared to most states, but Illinois has a flat tax with very few allowable deductions (retirement income is one) except for the standard deduction and few tax credits. Most other states allow similar deductions as those available on federal income tax returns and offer numerous tax credits. The result is generally higher taxes in Illinois, despite the "low" rate.

4. The State of Illinois does not tax ANY retirement income. The State and its retirement system are in financial trouble. Yet, state employees continue to get generous pensions and benefits. In fact, many government bodies give employees substantial raises their last four years prior to retirement so that the employees will receive larger pensions upon retirement. Even the re-elected governor gave substantial salary increases to his staff late last year. (Pensions are 100% of the average salary of the last four years of employment - for the rest of their lives!) Of course the lawmakers don't want to tax retirement benefits - that's a tax that would directly affect their own pensions.

5. Residency requirements to run for office are a big joke, especially when it comes to Chicago politics. Chicago election board and a Chicago judge ruled Rahm Emanuel met the residency requirements to run for mayor of Chicago, even though he hadn't lived there the past two years. Now you understand why Chicago politics and corruption are one and the same.

Tuesday Titillation

2011-01-04T05:57:00.001-06:00

Indiana University has just opened the Indiana University Cinema to showcase its film collections.

There's just a little problem: What should they do with all those 2000 + stag films?

For you young-uns, we're not talking about deer here. Stag films were pornographic, mostly underground, films often shown only in private homes and clubs, way before pornography was somewhat legitimized in the USA in the 1970's.

Indiana University owns the Kinsey Collection of films. Yes, that Dr. Alfred Kinsey who did sexual research for years prior to his death in 1956. The collection includes over 14,000 films and videos including sex-education and art-house movies and are grouped in the following categories:

Historical Stag films
Peepshow
Sex Education
Animal Sex Behavior
Swedish Erotica and Art
Exploitation
Pornographic feature films.

The stag films were made from 1920's to 1960's and represents the largest category in the collection.

You can view some film posters of the collection here.

Music Monday

2011-01-03T06:02:00.003-06:00

Time to celebrate the New Year. Those in the know say the recession is over and 2011 will be a great year. What do you think?

The Over the Edge Meme

2011-01-02T09:15:00.002-06:00

From Sunday Stealing:

1. What curse word do you use the most?
Crap

2. Do you own an iPod?
No, but only because I'm too busy doing other things to listen to an iPod or any other audio device so I can't justify the purchase.

3. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?
No, but it was probably my mom or dad

4. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
My face has broken too many cameras; I'd rather be the photographer.

5. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
Not me entirely, only my left eye.

6. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
No, but if you know a good one, I'm willing to listen and I promise not to tell.

7. What is the first thing you notice about someone that you are attracted to?
How quickly I remember that I'm married.

8. What are you looking forward to?
At least 30 more New Year's Days

9. Do you own any band t-shirts?
No, but I have some band pants.

10. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
Once a week. I snore and suck dirt out of the carpeting simultaneously. No vacuum cleaner required.

11. What did you do last night?
Got dinner for my parents, watched a DVD, read, slept - typical Saturday night for me these days

12. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
Opposite sex. Most women are generally too dramatic and emotional for me. I've been told I think and react like a man, and I have more interests in common with men than I do with most women.

13. Who was the last person to make you mad?

14. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Me kangaroo.

15. T or F: All’s fair in love and war?
False - It's always best to follow a moral code, which would probably make war a moot issue.

16. What’s something you’ve always wanted?

17. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Yes, every moment spent with her is precious now at her age.

18. Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?
How about a '66 bright red mustang instead?

19. Where is/are your best friend(s)?
Right next to me - felines to the left, canine to the right. They can be a bit catty, but they are doggedly loyal.

20. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Ocean - swimming with sharks keeps you motivated

Past and Future Predictions in Technology

2010-12-31T11:26:00.015-06:00

In 1993 AT&T ran this seriers of ads. Most of these have arrived.

And here's a video from Microsoft about future technology in 2019:

Photo Friday

2010-12-31T10:06:00.002-06:00

Y'all have accents, but we don't

2010-12-30T12:03:00.003-06:00

Here's very interesting site where someone has mapped North American dialects. You can click on an area and You-tube links are shown where you can hear the spoken dialects.

As I have said many times, I live in an area where we have no accent. This site indicates I live in Central Midland, the "Least distinctive dialect in the U.S." His map indicates South Florida residents speak a similar way.

According to my SIL, who has a degree in linguistics in addition to computer engineering, we do have a quirky use of words in Central Illinois. In most parts of the country "any more" is used in the negative (i.e. I don't want any more), but in our area we also use the words "any more" in the positive to mean "nowadays" (i.e. Any more I enjoy doing that.). So we don't have accents around here, but we like to rearrange words to keep people guessing what we really mean.

PSA - Why the other lines at the checkout move faster

2010-12-22T09:32:00.000-06:00

Here's an interesting video explaining checkout lines and why you should shop at stores with a single queue line if you're in a hurry.

Tuesday Titillation

2010-12-21T05:47:00.001-06:00

They always brag about their big equipment

but now there's proof: country boys' parts are bigger than city boys.

In the December issue of the journal Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, Bulgarian doctors report results of a 6,200-boy survey showing “a modest though significant difference … with respect to penile size between urban and rural populations.”

These doctors used the latest scientific instruments to make their calculations. A rigid tape measure was used for determining length and an orchidometer was used for measuring testicle size. An orchidometer is a series of beads that one holds up to the testicle and judges size by comparison (eye-balling it).

Now you understand why John Denver was thanking God.

Music Monday - For those of you meeting the family this week

2010-12-20T06:07:00.005-06:00

Photo Friday

2010-12-17T08:52:00.000-06:00

Christmas 1953

Thursday Thoughts - Repost just to annoy certain people

2010-12-16T05:30:00.017-06:00

You long-time readers know of which post I'm speaking. For you new followers you can read it here.

Now if you live in warmer climates or don't want to deal with scratchy sweater material, you can purchase ugly Christmas sweater t-shirts here. I didn't see any with blinking lights or 3-D red noses so you may be forced to wear the real thing if you want to go first-class.

And here's a catchy apropos seasonal song for you to enjoy:

Gift suggestion for raising a feminist child

2010-12-15T05:55:00.002-06:00

Tuesday Titillation

2010-12-14T11:56:00.000-06:00

In Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, a local postal worker not only delivered a package to a local business, he delivered his OWN package.

"A male postal worker was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior after walking naked into an office to deliver mail"

It was his personal effort at trying to bring some holiday cheer.

"he told an employee in that office that he was going to come back naked to deliver mail because she seemed stressed out and he wanted to cheer her up and make her laugh. "

She apparently didn't appreciate getting "junk" mail.

9 Questions to Ponder & Good Advice from Jefferson

2010-12-14T11:44:00.002-06:00

Music Monday

2010-12-13T05:30:00.011-06:00

Oh, Ricky, how I loved you when I was but a wee thing and you were a handsome older man. And I do believe those stories that you had sex with thousands of women. Who could resist those dreamy eyes?

Ninja Meme-Part I

2010-12-12T13:30:00.001-06:00

From Sunday Stealing:

1. What do you add to your coffee?
Coca-cola, hold the coffee

2. What are you reading now?
Zeitoun by Dave Eggers

3. Do you own a gun?

I won't tell. It's best to keep 'em guessing.

4. Are you registered to vote?

Unfortunately I'm probably still in the system.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

Only if I have to take off my clothes or get on a scale.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I'm a fan of big (Chicago) wieners.

7. Favorite Christmas Song?
If this doesn't make you feel good after hearing it, you're a Grinch.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coca-cola (Why have a doughnut and coffee when you can get your caffeine and sugar an easier way?)

9. Can you do push ups?
No, but my bras can.

10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend?
I think is was Randy in first grade, but I was always concerned he was trying to look under my dress.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery?
I don't wear any jewelry except on rare occasions, but I do treasure a small locket I have that belonged to my grandmother.

12. Favorite hobby?
writing or going to auctions

13. Do you work with people who idolize you?
Since I now work in a single person office, I suppose that answer is yes (and no).

14. Do you have ADD?

No, but I shake my foot if I'm bored.

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
that I'm not 5 inches taller and this just isn't working:

16. What’s your Middle name?
The last name of some stranger.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
The wind is howling. I'm hungry. BTL sandwich.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Coca-cola, romaine lettuce, bacon

19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink.
water, Coca-cola, milk

20. Current worry right now?

What, me worry? It's easier to laugh about things.

21. What side do you dress to?
I'm a female, so it's not that complicated.

22. Favorite place to be?
Home

23. How did you bring in the New Year?

zzzzzzzzzzzz

24. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere but the bathroom. I've seen too much of it lately.

25. Name three people who will see today.

mom, dad, and my brother-in-law from California who has been brave enough to stay at my house this week -a decision he may regret when he flies back home tomorrow and the airplane rest room is occupied.

TGI Saturday!

2010-12-11T11:00:00.002-06:00

What a week! I'm finally back and all three parents are now home from the various hospitals. Yes, they were not all in the same hospital but at least they were in the same town.

FIL, who gave us a scare earlier this year, has amazed us again and recovered from pneumonia, an ear infection, and very serious sepsis. We knew he was back to normal when he did the Crypt-o-quote on Thursday. He will be home to celebrate his 99th birthday next week.

What was originally thought to be more serious for one of my parents during an emergency room trip, turned out to be dehydration from intestinal flu. The original diagnosis was discarded when the following day the other parent and my brother came down with vomiting and diarrhea. So my two parents were in the hospital getting fluids while my brother took care of himself and I cleaned the bathrooms. We brought them back home on Wednesday.

I was bragging to them about how cautious I had been using latex gloves and sanitizers and how I rarely get sick because I have such a great immune system, when Mother Nature had had enough of my boastfulness and decided to make me pay for it. Thursday morning brought me 8 hours of misery ejecting fluids simultaneously from top and bottom, followed by 12 hours of sleep, and Friday spent gaining back my strength. I haven't been this sick in decades.

It is hard enough to deal with this kind of illness when you are normally very healthy and have the ability to run very fast, shower, and clean the bathroom before the next wave begins. When one is elderly, however, and needs medical equipment simply to walk, speed isn't an option and the results are humiliating and degrading to the ailing patient. If I find out who gave this to my dad and started it all, I'm gonna make him pay!

Of course, now that it is all over and under control, we laugh about how most of our discussions this week involved bodily fluids - blood, mucus, phlegm, vomit, diarrhea, urine. Why there wasn't any pus this week is a mystery to all of us. The fact that semen was absent wasn't even questioned.

Quick update

2010-12-07T07:14:00.000-06:00

Maximum number was reached this morning.

This blog may be quiet for a few days

2010-12-06T23:47:00.000-06:00

I am getting mighty close to the maximum number of my parents who can be in the hospital at the same time. Even the lone wolf remaining needs assistance.

Despite what Meatloaf said, 2 out of 3 is bad.

Snow tonight!

2010-12-03T16:25:00.002-06:00

Thursday Thoughts - Civil Unions in Illinois

2010-12-02T10:30:00.000-06:00

It appears that Illinois will become the fifth state in the US to allow civil unions. The law is awaiting the governor's signature and he has indicated he will sign it.

According to the website, Equality Illinois, this Act will ensure all couples (including heterosexual, not just gay/lesbian) in Illinois access to nearly 650 plus rights, benefits, and protections guaranteed to married couples and their families, including:

*Emergency medical decision-making power and hospital visitation rights
*Equal access to state spousal benefits (including workers' compensation, spousal pension coverage, etc.)
*Equal access to domestic relations laws and procedure (including divorce and division of property)
*Equal access to civil actions dependent upon spousal status (wrongful death actions)
*Equal tax treatment at the state and local level
*Spousal testimonial privilege
*Inheritance rights and equal estate tax treatment
•Couples would be able to enter into a civil union by obtaining a license, exchanging vows before a secular or willing religious official, and then registering their unions. All current rules governing annulment, divorce, and property division would apply to partners in a civil union.

It seems to me that the only thing this bill did was create another fee generating license that duplicates the marriage license rules - a duplication done simply to appease those people/religions who define marriage as a union between two people of opposing genders - semantics. But then, governments are experts in duplication.

It is surprising that Illinois legislators would pass this bill in the wake of the financial situation of this state. The biggest ramification from this bill will be the inclusion of additional people collecting spousal benefits on state employee pensions. The state pension program is one major reason Illinois is in such financial dire. The collection of civil union license fees will not absorb the additional expenses on the pension funds. In addition, private insurance and businesses will have increased costs when mandated to provide coverage for these additional people.

Many of the other issues can be resolved through legal contracts such as wills, powers of attorney, estate planning, and other legal documents, which many married couples also currently utilize. Equal treatment for income tax issues is a moot point since Illinois has the same flat tax rate and exemption amount applied to both single and married persons. Spousal testimony privilege should be revoked.

What should have been done is to get rid of all spousal benefits to married couples, eliminate marriage license requirements, and treat all individuals in the state equally under the laws.

Tuesday Titillation

2010-11-30T16:16:00.001-06:00

The winner of the Bad Sex in Fiction Award from Britain's Literary Review goes to:

Irish writer Rowan Somerville, who upon winning said,

'There is nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of the nation, I thank you.'

I'll let you British readers comment on whether Mr. Somerville's analysis is correct.

His winning passages from his book The Shape of Her:

“Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”

"... her nipple poking out, upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing the night."

Ah, romance!

The other nominees included:

Freedom by Jonathan Franzen

The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas

The Golden Mean by Annabel Lyon

Maya by Alastair Campbell

A Life Apart by Neel Mukherjee

Heartbreak by Craig Raine

Mr Peanut by Adam Ross

You can read some of the nominated passages here.

Winter's Bone - movie review

2010-11-27T11:07:00.000-06:00

It is rare to see a movie about a teenage girl who is self-reliant and emotionally strong.

"There's a bunch of stuff you're gonna have to get over being scared of."

the main character, Ree, tells her little brother as she teaches him how to skin a squirrel.

For the average teenager, they choose not to do things that aren't appealing to them and run from responsibility when they have a chance. Many adults do the same, for that matter.

Winter's Bone tells the story of meth cooking, gang violence, and the effects of poverty, but not in urban areas - the hills of Missouri's Ozark Mountains.

Jennifer Lawrence gives a powerful performance as 17 year old Ree, a high school drop-out trying to raise her younger siblings, dealing with a catatonic mother, and a drug-dealing, missing father. This is a girl who doesn't want you to feel sorry for her. She sees what needs to be done and she does it, she sets aside her own dreams, and doesn't want handouts.

" Never ask for what ought to be offered."

The engrossing story is simply of Ree's search for her missing father who has skipped bail, and their home her father put up as bond is now in danger of being taken away from the family.

The supporting characters are as interesting as Ree. Dale Dickey, who is always perfect in white-trash roles (i.e. Patti the Day Time Hooker in My Name is Earl), portrays a tough woods-woman protecting her Ozark mob leader. John Hawkes, the mild-mannered Jewish shop owner from Deadwood, is Teardrop, Rea's mean drug-addict uncle.

Winter's Bone won the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival this year. It is available on DVD. This is a must-see for teens and adults.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T14:06:00.000-06:00

Wacky Wednesday Wisdom

2010-11-24T11:06:00.001-06:00

"I love Thanksgiving turkey...it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Which part of the turkey is your favorite?

Do you like breasts?

What about legs?

Perhaps you're a wing man.

The meatiest and juiciest parts are the thighs.

Then there are all those other parts.

Tuesday Titillation

2010-11-23T05:43:00.003-06:00

This is old news, but it is worth repeating this time of year.

In an odor study of men ages 16-64, done in the1990s by Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, who directs the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, the number one odor that enhanced penile blood flow was a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie, and pumpkin pie was the strongest stimulant on its own.

Other scents and their effects were:

•Lavender and pumpkin pie: 40%
•Doughnut and black licorice: 31.5%
•Doughnut and cola: 12.5%
•Lily of the valley: 11%
•Buttered popcorn: 9%

Forget about smothering yourself in cranberry sauce. (Cranberry - 2%)

If your man doesn't like pumpkin pie and is strictly a meat-eater, you could always wear a meat dress like Lady Gaga as long as he likes things rare.

Otherwise, try some Burger King "Flame" cologne that smells like cooked flame-broiled meat

and hand him a bottle of pumpkin ale.

Football half-time on Thanksgiving Day could be better than the game itself.

Acoustical Rhapsody in Blue

2010-11-22T11:31:00.004-06:00

Brazilian acoustical guitars performing America's George Gershwin classic.

It takes good eyes and patience to do this

2010-11-22T09:11:00.000-06:00

How cool is this? Dalton Ghetti, a carpenter by trade, makes beautiful, detailed art carvings in pencil tips using the graphite and sometimes the wood of the pencil.

Key:

Elvis:

Alphabet:

You can see more of his art here.

Questions a la Randomness Meme

2010-11-20T17:45:00.001-06:00

From Sunday Stealing:

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
I've licked and licked and it still won't pay me more than 2%.

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
Plus and minus 6 years

Have you ever been on a blind date?
No. I have been on a deaf one, but I got hoarse. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?
Almost all of them

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
No, they were way too old.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
No funeral - I'm going straight to the garbage pile.

But here's a list of songs that I hope will remind people of me:

No Regrets

Cabaret (no embedding allowed so you'll have to click on the link)

My Way

Autumn Leaves

Fields of Gold

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
Not at their age; the shock would kill them

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
New York cheesecake, brownies, pound cake with raspberries, chocolate truffles, and bread pudding with rum sauce

Do you walk around the house naked?
Only once and then I go inside. It gets mighty cold out there this time of year.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Put my clothes back on

Who is the person you can count on the most?
myself - usually on my fingers, but sometimes my toes if the numbers get high.

You can count on me, too.

What is your favorite Holiday?

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Nope. I want my face flexible so I can make silly faces.

Have you ever caught a fish?
Yes, the first time I every went fishing I caught several more trout than all the others I was, with despite the fact it took me 45 minutes to learn to cast my line.

What is the first thing you notice about people?
the kind of mood they're in

What is the farthest you’ve been from home?
Cyprus

How did you meet your spouse or significant other (or most recent one)?
Classified ads. I've written about it before here.

Where was the last place you drove (other than home/school/work)?
The Goodwill Store to drop off some donations. It's that time of year.

Thursday Thoughts

2010-11-18T15:00:00.001-06:00

Meg Whitman just settled the dispute with her former illegal alien maid for $5500. You can bet that publicity loving, ambulance chaser, close friend of Jerry Brown, attorney Gloria Allred got her 50% of that huge settlement.

"Allred said Whitman and her neurosurgeon husband, Griffith Harsh, owed Diaz Santillan $8,000 to $10,000 for additional duties and expenses, such as mileage, beyond cleaning house. She claimed the maid was owed for grocery shopping, driving the couple's children around town and performing other errands during her nine-year employment. She did not release specifics about the settlement except to say that it did not include mileage."

Of course, Ms Allred makes good use of a photo shoot:

"Diaz Santillan's celebrity attorney, Gloria Allred, stood by and held Diaz Santillan close to her with one arm, never letting go. Another arm would have made it a bear hug."

Originally, the issue was that Whitman knowingly hired an illegal alien to work for her yet campaigning against the hiring of them. Whitman claimed the subject of the maid was brought to public light just before the election in which she was running for governor against Jerry Brown and she alleged that Brown supporters (including Allred) were behind it.

Whitman denied she knowingly hired an illegal alien. She had used an employment agency which assured her that through their vetting process none of their employees were illegal. When Whitman's husband had received notices from the IRS about Santillan's employment, Santilla assured them she had responded and resolved the inquiries. Finally Whitman discovered that Santillan had lied about her residency and she immediately fired Santillan. She even had documentation proving all this. If she had kept employing her, Whitman would have been in deep trouble with immigration and IRS officials.

The media raked Whitman over the coals for firing a 9 year employee with no notice, and Allred milked it for all its worth describing Santillan as " like a member of their family." Whitman was in a no-win situation - she did what she was legally required to do and her opponents spun it into a class war of big wealth against poor innocent immigrant (albeit liar) just trying to eke out a living in America.

Apparently Whitman was in the right, because there is no charge of hiring an undocumented worker and Ms. Allred had to find a way somehow to get paid:

"Dennis Brown, Whitman's attorney in the matter, described the $5,500 settlement as "routine" for this sort of pay dispute. He said the only reason the issue was heard was because there were no time cards involved and he emphasized that the settlement does not mean Whitman and her husband admit wrongdoing"

I am not a supporter of either political party, but I am sick and tired of this type of political maneuvering in which the public is manipulated into thinking that some crime has been committed when it has not.

Something very similar happened in the Illinois governor's race when Illinois current governor Quinn's supporters spent thousands of dollars on ads stating that his opponent had not paid any income taxes. The ads made it sound like his opponent had done something illegal or was skipping out on taxes due.

Quinn's opponent was a real estate developer and we all know what happened in the real estate market over the past few years. His business had tremendous losses which wiped out any income he earned as a state senator and consequently resulted in a net loss (zero taxable income) on his tax return.

It all comes back to political parties (and it just happens that it is the Democratic Party in both these cases) using class envy as a way to destroy candidates. It used to be that in this country women who rose up the corporate ladder were touted as heroines and businessmen who took risk, hired employees, and made money were admired. Now people want to destroy them.

Don Draper - What a man!

2010-11-17T22:30:00.000-06:00

I was too busy looking at him to notice all the times he said "What."